Saturday, September 8, 2012

It's Ok....

I know you don't see it. It's ok, I never showed you the pain and shame I feel. You never saw the hurt I feel everytime someone asks about him or when I have to explain his actions or words.

I have hid it for so long that no one knows. You dont' know the times I have had to hold my head high while feeling nothing but shame, praying that no one asks about him, hearing what was said.....about me.....but not speaking out in my own defense, holding my head high as I held on to the only one I could-Jesus.

Going on with life, ministry and worship as I felt their eyes on me. Did they watch to hold me up in prayer or to see if this battle, this blow, would take me down?

Very few know the true battle raging within, the heart break I feel, my fears or doubts.

They don't know how I just want to run to Him with all I have within me and sit at His feet and let him heal my wounds and strengthen me when I'm weary from the war. I cherish those times.

So you see it's ok, I know your words weren't meant to hurt me. I saw your face as soon as you said it. I never let you see the wounds. You didn't know they were there.

You didn't know I was worshiping right in front of you, afraid to let it all out, afraid for anyone to see the open wounds. Afraid to face those who doubted me, who were right there with me but couldn't stand with me and worship for looking at me.

As I look around, they are all gone now... I still stand, holding on to who God says I am and not who man says I am. I know the truth and I know my actions didn't cause this and I should feel no shame but, none the less, it was there.

Years of pain and heartache, shame and torment. Things I want to forget but can't. Broken promises, shattered dreams, bondage I will never return to.

Though it's been hard, I found freedom. The battles isn't over but I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Way off in the distance. The Lord is my banner.

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