I have often put off paying attention to my husband. Bless his heart. He has patiently waited as I took care of the children only to be put off until the next day, and the next day, and the next day.
This post http://www.addingzest.net/2009/06/free-parking.html isn't about me, but it could be. I know the groping hand. It's attached to my husband, my gift.
The first years of our marriage were very "turbulent". As a survivor of extensive sexual abuse, I knew at a young age how to seduce to get what I wanted. I knew it was wrong, I knew it made me feel dirty, but I did it. Once God picked me up out of that and washed me, I became "prudish". I never wanted to feel dirty like that again.
My dear husband suffered for that. I knew that sex was good and expected in the marriage bed, I just didn't know how to do it without the guilt and shame. I would make love with my husband, then feel dirty and ignore his needs. If I had to guess, I would say it was a bit like living with Dr. Jekyl and Mrs. Hyde. He went without complaining.
I wrapped myself in mommy duties so I wouldn't have to address it. I knew that I was meant to be his helpmeet, I would read about how to be that, how to be a good wife, anything along those lines. I never found anything that addressed sex in marriage in a Christian way. Those "wifely" duties. Hummm. If it's good and helpful, why isn't it addressed. I knew I wasn't the only one who had ever had this problem. Most of the women I knew had experienced some of the same things. I hadn't met anyone who had experienced it to the extent I had, but there were many others.
I became complacent. (you can read "I ignored him" here) He felt unappreciated, unloved. I wanted to fix it, but I had no idea how. I knew I felt dirty if he touched me.
Lots of Prayer.
I never want to be complacent again. I never want that to be our normal way of life. That isn't God's will for a marriage.
We are still on this journey. Forgiveness is NOT easy. It takes work and prayer. I am learning to submit to him in this area still. At first, he was very confused. . . Bless his heart. I believe he is still waiting for "his other wife" to come back, though he won't admit it.
As I fumbled through this, God sent me what I needed. I finally found articles, radio shows that give tidbits on this, normally from a man's perspective. Hummm where are the women's perspectives??? I have friends who have gone through the same things, some just seemed to slip into that role easily without the craziness that I experienced.
Then I got this blog in my inbox!! Whoa!!! How excited was I!!! So far. . . I'm loving it. I feel like I'm on the journey to becoming the wife God meant for me to be. I know now that I'm on the right track and not quite so weird. I belive this blog will be a great help and I am just so excited that I had to share.
Now, paying attention to my hubby isn't always sexual. We went to Atlanta last Friday. We held hands and kissed. Walked around the Coke museum-if you don't like EVERYTHING Coke, don't bother, it was excruciating. (that was hubby's choice-I don't even drink coke products unless we are at a restraunt and I have no other choice) Then we went to the georgia Aquarium. My favorite place! We walked around, watched the fish, and listened to the jazz band they had that Friday night. We sat in one room that was like a movie theatre except the big screen was the aquarium. We sat there for probably an hour just watching the fish and talking. It was a wonderful day, spent with just the two of us.
Our next "date night", I want to spend the day in Cherokee, on the reservation. It's so hot this time of year that It's hard to be outside for too long. I'll see what hubby thinks!
Psalms 40:2-32 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,out of the mud and mire;He set my feet on a rockand gave me a firm place to stand.3 He put a new song in my mouth,a hymn of praise to our God.Many will see and fearand put their trust in the LORD.NIV
Did I share too much???
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